somebody told me that time is on our side but how can i believe that when you're still on my mind and i analyze everything that you say i cannot leave you for one day i'll try to but i can't walk away it's been a month now i should be over you i just want myself back this ain't what i'm used to

i'm desperate for something i'm desperate for loving the one who made me this way i'm sick of my own mind don't want the saddest kind of this happiness i'm desperate

i wish it would storm now do you know how rare that is for me to listen to the raindrops and try to undo what i did i'm not one for regrets and i usually don't like rain but you made me do each one from all this stupid heartbreak pain i've had enough time to make myself hate you why won't it just work this ain't what i wanna do

i'm desperate for something i'm desperate for loving the one who made me this way i'm sick of my own mind don't want the saddest kind of this happiness i'm desperate i'm living in love and i'm dying in hell you're murdering me and i'm killing myself what have you done to me

i'm desperate for something i'm desperate for loving the one who made me this way i'm done with my own mind don't want the saddest kind of this happiness i'll admit it, i'm desperate

Siti Noorashikin will update soon.

It’s Sunday again, my time to update. I had just noticed that I like to update on Sundays instead of day by day basis. My habit of blogging I guess. My week was spent with going out and meeting up with people. On Thursday, went down to Hong Kah Secondary School to collect O level certificate and testimonial and also to visit special teachers and the band. I wanted to visit band cause I miss the band sound and to tell my dear clarinet juniors to do their best for the upcoming SYF. I must say they really improved and I was actually amazed. Now, it’s up to the effort that they put in for the actual day of the SYF. I wanted to play my clarinet cause it’s been long and I miss 69 but it was being used by my junior and I dislike playing the old instrument so didn’t get the chance to do so. It was hard to know that 69 was being used by someone else but me but it’s ok, 69 had to move on. My dear junior gave me a hug and she said it was hard to see Iman and me leaving as it literally slashed her heart. She was really hoping that Iman and I to visit band again soon. I told her if we’re free, we’ll definitely come down school and visit.

On Friday, at around 4 plus in the afternoon Hanis texted me asking me whether I would like to catch a movie. I thought she was kidding cause at the end of her message she was laughing and it turn out she was serious cause she didn’t have to go to her work place and she was mainly bored. Hanis and I asked around but it seemed like no one was free to join us. Ending up Hanis and I still went to catch the movie, yeah just the two of us. We watched Coming Soon, a ghost movie. We freaked out when we knew that the movie was a Thailand ghost story cause Thailand’s ghost are scary looking and will always give goosebumps. The Chinese guy beside me was rather funny, he was shouting at almost every shocking part and because of his funny shoutings, I didn’t managed to really scream cause I ended up giggling at him instead. Hanis and I were hugging our bags for protection. The movie was not bad as it had a unexpected twist in it. I so like movies with unexpected twist. I enjoyed my evening-nearly-night with Hanis. Funny actions by us for that day were that Hanis can’t get the right directions and I bumped my head on a wall because I was to engross reading the notice on the board.

On Saturday, my family and I went to a family chalet and at first I didn’t quite enjoy myself there. People were weird looking and everyone was busy doing their own things. No activity was done together. I told my mother to go back home early as I didn’t know what else to do. When the BBQ started, I wasn’t that bored anymore. I chatted with my “new” cousin on how his band was doing. Well, it was him who talked to me first since I guess he knew that I was totally bored. Then the day was becoming better as my best-baby-cousin gave me hugs and kisses. Then finally everyone gathered and sat in a circle to play Bingo. I actually didn’t want to but since I’m such a good sport. Hahaha, yah right. I had no choice cause I had to wait for my red-and-currently-my-favourite-flip-flop to come back. It was being borrowed by my “new” cousin’s friend. He didn’t asked permission before using it ok. He only asked permission when I told them to come back quick. Oh yah, there isn’t any pictures even though my sister brought the camera cause she forgotten to bring along the memory card. Bummer right. Another bummer was that my phone’s battery died on me.

I’m going to Genting Highlands for the March holidays from Monday early morning until Thursday evening. So I’ll be back in Singapore by then. I can’t wait to scream on the rides cause as I mentioned before screaming really makes me feel ecstatic. I’m going to ride on every ride, if possible cause my mother said this is going to be our last trip to Genting until further notice or after a few years later as she’ll be planning for us to go to somewhere else. I told her I want to go Paris, the city of romance. Everywhere in Paris there’s romance whether you have it or not. I want to see the wall full of written ‘I love you’ in 300+ languages. I want to go sightseeing on bus 73 and be treat like a VIP on an art expedition. But I don’t want to go to their markets cause they eat some weird foods such as snails soup. I want to learn some secrets of chefs to know what make their foods so marvellous. So till then people. I'm off to paint my nails black since it's short cause I just snipped it and I can't believe I did it just then as my nails weren't even long. I think I was being hypnotised by my mother. I hate short nails! (-_-)

wo de ming zi shi Siti Noorashikin.
nie ming bai mah?

Wo de mama, on her birthday. The so-called banner at the back, my sister and I had to wake up at 5am just to get it done before our mother wakes up cause she is an early birdie.

Yesterday, family gathering, was hell-of-a-fun day at my nenek’s (grandmother, mother’s side) house. We were laughing and even both my grandparents were high. I think it’s due to the chin-chow (spelling error I suppose?) water that we drank. I loathe chin-chow but there’s no other cold water available, so to no avail, I had to just drink it and no complaints were made. The topics cum jokes that we talked about as a whole, everyone gathering and sitting around, were varying from teeth issues to money and even to no-index-finger-so-my-uncle-can’t-play-the-guitar-no more. His finger was eaten by the machine he handled at work a few years back, evil machine I tell you. Each child was being labelled and I was labelled as an expensive child among all my cousins. I won’t elaborate on that, cause I was caught red-handed.

Then we were craving for ice-creams! I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-creams! We did scream and making lots of “wonderful music”. So we decided to go to the nearest shop and buy ice-creams! All thanks to our wonderful atok (grandfather) who gave us the money. *Money, money, money* Since I’m the eldest, I had to cousin-sit all the little ones. They were very loud when running down the corridor to the lift as if it was the first time they went out. Hahaha. We took too long to choose what ice-creams to buy so we just randomly bought something. My three year old cousin, Aqif Danial, remembers my name and that makes me feel contented. He gave me hugs and kisses and I love him for that. He will always be my best-baby-cousin ever.

What do you do when you're bored? Well, I sometimes would challenge myself to a game of tic tac toe. If I win, it means that I'm stupid cause how can anyone practically lose to your own self right? By that, I am neither a loser nor a winner when I play tic tac toe by myself. I've only managed to come up with many different ways to definitely win the game! I could literally become a pro of tic tac toe and will eventually take the crown. Ooooo, like that makes me so super smart and that I should be proud of that small game *smacks heads* (cause I’m smacking my sister’s head too, bahhh.)

Sometimes when both me don’t feel like playing a game of tic tac toe, we rather do something else. I’ve pick back my habit of playing Sims2, now I’m feeling like a geek who enjoys playing games using their laptop. Actuall, now, I don’t enjoy playing Sims2 cause my mouse had died on me and without the scroll-thingy, it’s hard cause the view is not up to standard. I have the tendency to make everything my way or else I won’t enjoy a little bit of it. Since mousy-mouse had died and moved on to her next life, I enjoy strumming blackie instead. All in all, when I’m bored, I don’t feel like a geek too much cause I’m just being me. Having fun in lots of different ways that I could find within seconds before becoming insane. By becoming insane, I don’t mean laughing by myself and making lame but there’s-still-some-sense-to-it jokes for my mother to enjoy.

Sometimes, I think the only time when I really start to panic is when I concentrate on the 'details in the fabric'. The design, the colour, the material used, just everything. I don't know why but I always miss out the bigger picture of every picture you could ever find hanging on the wall. I start to think negatively and start to panic, hyperventilate and then feel like chocking as if someone is strangling me. It’s crazy isn’t it, how somebody can so easily make themselves panic and give up.

Now, Siti Noorashikin is calling her sister "Mariam" and she enjoys it. However her sister don't, obviously. *Evil sister laugh* Siti Noorashikin misses watching Spongebob squarepants out of the sudden. She misses the way Patrick, just being plainly Patrick.

I think that sleep is really beautiful. It is the one time when people are completely vulnerable and susceptible to anything. They can't defend themselves or run away when they see big scary monsters heading towards them. So when they’re sleeping these big scary monsters could be boogieman running towards them or even an unfriendly looking dinosaur or just plainly big head aliens with tiny little dark-black eyes. In dreams people can’t normally do what they really want to do, thus they can’t really run away from those monsters, they could only let those monsters catch them and it only turns out to be a very bad nightmare. But in our case, the monster is just life. It's not too scary if you look on the brighter side of everything that are going on. But the world doesn't know what the world is. Nobody knows what the world is because the world doesn't even exist and brighter sides of everything are sometimes just hard to find. Since the world doesn’t exist, we are just a bunch of sprinkles on a giant chocolate cake with a layer of green icing called earth. Some of us are red, purple and even yellow sprinkles. The giant earth cake really looks colourful with all the different sprinkles spreading all over it.

I think everyone should hug trees all the time, by that I really do mean every time, everyone should close their eyes and listen to the whispery gossips of the leaves whenever a cooling breeze happen to pass us by and everyone should kiss and hug each other because life is about love. Without love, life is just pointless. Love is all around whether you like it or not and whether you observed it very closely. Everybody does things because they love them and nobody enjoys doing things they hate and hate is generally perceived as negative. But why is negative bad? Who said that positive isn't bad? Okay life is pointless. Life is just too complex to have a point. There is no point to life except to live and to try your best to live everyday without wasting it. It doesn't really matter how you live your life, as long as you don't kill people because then they’ll be dead and it is an offence. That's not fair to both you and the person who’s dead cause you have to go to prison and the person can’t continue to live.

So basically we are all full of shit and the earth does not exist. Nothing exists. We are all just little mind games, just some little dice with spots all over. So sleep upside down and go hug trees even though they have insects all over. Sing the silliest song that you made up in 20 minutes while waiting for you mum at the bus-stop just to break the silence even if you have no vocal lessons. Skip down a country road with a stranger you met while you walk down the street at night and rediscovered the new things that are line up for you to live life happily. Make snow angels in your imaginations cause no one can see them. Flip people off when they cut you while you’re the one queuing up for more than 30 minutes ago. Eat fries and all the cookies that you want whenever you really are craving for it. Fly a billion miles on an airplane just to go to the middle of nowhere and stand on the edge of the highest cliff you can find and look down into what could be the end of you. Question and wonder about everything you've ever been presented with. Be like a vacuum that suck up all that it can no matter what other people might think. Go outside at 4 in the morning and dance in the middle of the street and find that stranger and dance with him/her. Laugh with all the grasshoppers found in the bushes and make lots of imaginary friends that you could find when you’re just feeling a little zany.

Because really, why wouldn't you? Because society says it's stupid? Well society is wrong. Not only is it wrong because it's not right, it's wrong because it's wrong. It’s right because it’s fun and while doing all of that you could smile. If you stand there and look at a house and you think about what it is, it is disgusting. It is just a bunch of earth thrown into a pile so humans can have everything they think they need. You do not need the majority of the contents of your house. You need food and water. But hey, we live on a cake. So that's kinda covered already. We do not need some things in life, we simply want the things to be in our life. We need nothing but something to sustain our bodies on, and people to love with our minds, souls and everything nice deep within us. It doesn't matter which one you choose to use because at the end of the day, it leads you to the same place. Love is a place. It's a hiding place where sometimes only certain people can find you while others can’t. It's where you hide away from all your fears and insecurities and inhibitions and just let everything go. And you leave your brain at the front step of the door. Thoughts are absent in love, because love is the best place in the world and thoughts are not necessary when everything is absolutely perfect to you. Love is flawless when nothing else matter. It wouldn't matter if it wasn't, though, because you wouldn't see the imperfections because your eyes only work when you have a brain to send signals to, and your brain is still at the door remember. Don't go get it, just let it be there. It doesn't matter who you love, you just have to love someone in your life, it doesn’t matter who that someone could be. If you don't love you don't live because when you are in love, you are at the highest point of being. And you realize then that it is okay and everything is completely fine even if it’s not, which is essentially just like heaven.

But maybe love doesn't really exist cause there is no exact explanations about love. Some say love is the sweetest thing you’ll be having while some say love is damn heartbreaking and you’ll be crazy if you are in love because you have to fall for someone and falling is painful and will always lead to bruises and blood. There is nothing worse than life without love, because life is just imperfection after imperfection. The thing is that sometimes the imperfections are beautiful only it’s hard to really notice it. Imperfections make people perfect if you are really observant enough. So imperfections make people love, so maybe all we have to do is live just the way we have been and there we have it. That's just how it's supposed to go I guess, so it would be okay even though it would seem like there are something wrong.

You can't doubt that things aren't going right in life, because everything is always on the path that it should be even if it doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t always seem right because it always seem so wrong. You want it to be like that but instead it end up being like this. You want to do something but instead you need to do something else and if you think you’ll be doing that actually you are supposed to do this instead. It's like we are all in our very own little movie and the aliens in outer space just watching us for entertainment. Real life entertainment that doesn’t have its full stop. I mean, you have to admit, we're pretty funny to watch. We do the most ridiculous things and we say the dumbest words and we think everything is the opposite of what it really is because we don't have any idea what’s going on and what’s going to happen. But that doesn't matter. Because everything is everything. I am you. You’re a unicorn standing at the end of the rainbow protecting the pot of gold. The pot of gold is a fat giant goldfish. The fat giant goldfish is a garage door. The garage door is an ice hotel in Antarctica that nobody knows about except the mad scientists who apparently live there. The ice hotel is actually a rabbit. The rabbit is actually a digital clock. This digital clock is Zachary Alexander David Efron and Zachary Alexander David Efron doesn't literally exist. Real life doesn't exist. This is all just nothing, and we are all just little pieces of mass floating around in a giant sea of nothingness. Except for THIS is something. It is something so big and so important, and so very epic that nobody even gets it because we're not supposed to. We just meant to live life and just do it, questions can be asked but no matter what you have to do it and remember love is everywhere and it should be share among all. After-all, love is a special place where you can let go of everything.

Siti Noorashikin’s mind is tired right now after all the non-stop thinking of randomness that strikes her thoughts like the grandfather clock dinging every hour. Now, she feels like hugging the tress and her sister who is watching HSM3 on dvd. Look at the time, both her sister and her, are having an insomnia attack, I guess. Siti Noorashikin also feels like finding a stranger to go to the park near her house and just count the available stars that are on the sky. Maybe she could even say “Hello” to the alien watching her life up above.